God’s Word on Lawns

In the last article, I discussed The Obsession with Lawns, and how lawns are extremely harmful for the environment.

Today I have no less an authority than God, who will tell us what He thinks of lawns.

This is a conversation God held with St. Francis not too long ago that we here at Low Density Lifestyle World Central Headquarters were allowed to sit in on.

Actually, it’s something that has floated around the internet for awhile that is totally appropriate to the discussion on lawns. It’s funny, but makes absolute sense.

So here goes:

God: Hey St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect “no maintenance” garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

St. Francis: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers “weeds” and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. The begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it… sometimes twice a week.

God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, Sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You are not going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. The haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

God: Enough. I don’t want to think about this anymore. Sister Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

Sister Catherine: “Dumb and Dumber”, Lord. It’s a real stupid movie about…..

God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Movie Spoofs ‘R Us

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life: The Life of Python

If there’s to be a series on humor, which for the last few weeks, if I’m not mistaken there has been, then it would be remiss to not mention one of the funniest comedy groups of the 20th century, Monty Python.

They were a British comedy group that created the influential Monty Python’s Flying Circus, a British television comedy sketch show that first aired on the BBC in October 1969. From there, the Python phenomenon developed into something larger in scope and impact, spawning touring stage shows, films, numerous albums, several books and a stage musical. The group’s influence on comedy has been compared to The Beatles’ influence on music.

The television series, broadcast by the BBC from 1969 to 1974, was conceived, written and performed by Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, and Michael Palin.

Their most current hit is the play Spamalot.

And so today, without further ado, are 10 of the funniest Monty Python sketches – of course, technically, the video at the top of the page, Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, is not a sketch but instead a segment from their film, The Life of Brian, but if you promise not to tell, neither will I.

The Economics of Cows

Today, even though this series is about humor, I thought it would be important to have an economics lesson.

It’s important for all of us to have a firm grasp on economics because economics is vital to the world, so as a public service, here are some basics on economics – call it Economics 101 – using cows as a helpful aid.

Once you master the economics of cows, you’ll be well on your way to a Nobel Prize in economics.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM — You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION — You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION — You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION — You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon(tm) and market them world-wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION — You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION — You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION — You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION — You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION — You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION — You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION — You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION — You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

ENRON CORPORATION — You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

ARTHUR ANDERSON, LLC — You have 2 cows. You shred all documents that Enron has any cows, take 2 cows from Enron for payment for consulting the cows, and attest that Enron has 9 cows.

COWS.COM — You own two cows, so you send a business plan to 20 venture capital firms about how you can make money by giving away milk and selling ad space on the cartons. As the venture capital runs out, you issue an IPO based on your projections that your research team will develop new milking technology any day now. When your milking engineers tell you that they can’t get any more milk from a cow by working 60-hour weeks, you offer them more stock options if they’ll work 80-hour weeks solving the problem. The good engineers, who might actually have solved the problem, all work until their options vest, then retire, leaving you with junior engineers whose options all become wallpaper in another year when the company collapses and liquidates all its cows to a traditional dairy farm started by one of the old engineers.

DISNEY CORPORATION — You have two cows. They dance & sing.

MICROSOFT CORPORATION — You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

HOLLYWOOD — You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.

ANARCHISM — You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

DEMOCRACY — You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You go bankrupt.

DEMOCRACY — AMERICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports where there’s no violence.

LIBERTARIANISM — You have two cows. You let them do what they want.

MARXISM/LENINISM — The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cowherds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrate over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM — You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

SURREALISM — You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

All the News that Isn’t Fit to Print

Today, for this series on humor, I present to you the news, fresh from the newspaper.

All this news is true, although it definitely is a tad strange. Judge for yourself as you read through it.

It’s all real, though quite funny.

The Classic Kids Books, In One Minute or Less

In the last article, The Return of the Classic Books, In One Minute or Less, I gave you many classic books, distilled to their very essence.

Today, as this series on humor continues, I give you classic kids books, also in one minute or less. So now you can tell your kids to throw away their Kindle and their iPad and their iPhone and their Blackberry and their Gameboy and their Wii and their iPod, and even their Cliff notes, cause here’s all the book you need to know, in one minute or less.

Green Eggs and Ham
By Dr. Seuss

Some Creature
I won’t eat green eggs and ham anywhere, anytime, under any circumstances.

Sam I Am
Try it.

Some Creature
Yum.

THE END

Where the Wild Things Are
By Maurice Sendak

Once there was a boy who wanted to have adventures with wild things. He discovered if he used his imagination instead of pestering his parents to read to him, he could do just that.

THE END

The Berenstain Bears and the Bad Habit
By Stan and Jan Berenstain

Sister
I have a bad habit.

Mama
I’ll give you money if you stop.

Sister
Cash up front.

Mama
Ok.

Sister
Done.

THE END

Clifford, the Big Red Dog
By Norman Bridwell

Emily Elizabeth
I have a big red dog.

THE END

Goodnight Moon
By Margaret Wise Brown

Rabbit
‘Night.

THE END

The Runaway Bunny
By Margaret Wise Brown

Bunny
I will run away.

Mommy
Sit your tush down.

THE END

The Secret Garden
By Frances Hodgson Burnett

Colin
I’m sick because I think I’m sick.

Mary
Then let’s reawaken our spirits by going to this garden and discovering the healing power of love inside us all.

Dickon
Sounds good to me.

THE END

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
By Roald Dahl

(Charlie gets a TON of Willy Wonka chocolate bars.)

Charlie
Hooray. I’m an instant winner.

Willy Wonka
Hi kids. Four of you will undergo severe physiological distress that in the real world would get me sued, and one will be picked to be the Special One.

(Charlie gets picked.)

THE END

Are You My Mother?
By P. D. Eastman

Little Bird
Are you my mother?

A Bunch of Animals That Aren’t His Mother
No.

His Mother
Yes.

THE END

Anne of Green Gables
By Lucy Maud Montgomery

(Matthew and Marilla Cuthbert send for an orphan boy to help out at Green Gables.)

Anne Shirley
I’m here.

Marilla Cuthbert
Anne Shirley, you are not a boy. Go back to the orphanage.

Anne Shirley
If I work really hard, stay out of trouble, enrich your lives with my buoyant spirit, rescue you from the doldrums of your pragmatic ways, and touch the hearts of the townsfolk…then can I stay?

Marilla Cuthbert
Well, ok.

(Anne does all these things except stay out of trouble.)

THE END

The Tale of Peter Rabbit
By Beatrix Potter

(Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail OBEY their mother. Peter does NOT and almost DIES MISERABLY.)

THE END

The Giving Tree
By Shel Silverstein

Reader
I can’t believe you cut that tree down, you jerk.

THE END

Stuart Little
By E. B. White

Mr. and Mrs. Little
We gave birth to a rodent, and we’re not the least bit traumatized.

(Stuart fetches stuff his parents lost.)

Stuart Little
I will have a quest of exploration and self-discovery.

(He does.)

THE END

The Return of the Classic Books, In One Minute or Less

Today the series on humor continues with the return of the classic books, in one minute or less.

I say return, because last year I had an article called, In One Minute or Less, the Greatest Books Ever Written. It was completely irreverent and funny, so in keeping with the spirit of distilling books down to their ultimate essence, I give you a whole new slew of books.

So throw away your Kindle, and throw away your iPad. Because who needs to read, when you can have the entire book in one minute or less?

Our thanks to the scholars at Book-a-Minute Classics.

Animal Farm
By George Orwell

Some pigs lead a revolt against people, act like jerks, and play poker.

THE END

The Oedipus Trilogy
By Sophocles

Prophecy
Laios and Iocaste, your son will kill his father and marry his mother.

Laios and Iocaste
Let’s kill it.

Prophecy
Oedipus, you will kill your father and marry your mother.

(Oedipus runs away and fulfills the prophecy.)

Everyone
Woe are us. (die)

THE END

Frankenstein
By Mary Shelley

Walton
Dear Margaret: My ship picked up this guy. He RULES.

Frankenstein
I discovered the secret of life, and everyone died. (dies)

Frankenstein’s Monster
Inexplicably, I have become suicidal. (jumps out a window)

THE END

The Pearl
By John Steinbeck

Kino and Juana
Our son is sick. Can you help him?

Doctor
Eat my doorstep, penniless bum.

(Kino finds a pearl.)

Juana
Now that we’re rich, I’ve lost my spirituality.

Coyotito
Yeah, and I’ve been killed.

THE END

Romeo and Juliet
By William Shakespeare

Romeo
Oh, Juliet!

Juliet
Oh, Romeo!

Romeo
Oh, Juliet!

Juliet
Oh, Romeo!

Romeo
Oh, Juliet! (dies)

Juliet
Oh, Romeo!……Romeo?……Dammit.

THE END

Moby Dick
By Herman Melville

Ishmael
Call me Ishmael.

Captain Ahab
Crew, we will seek the white whale and kill it, because I am insane.

Crew
Alas, your destructive obsession will be our undoing.

(They almost find the white whale. Then they almost find the white whale. Then they find it.)

Captain Ahab
I stab at thee. I stab at thee.

(Everybody dies except Ishmael, although this is no surprise, because it was foreshadowed CONTINUALLY from the BEGINNING.)

THE END

The Crucible
By Arthur Miller

Reverend Parris
Abigail Williams, you and your friends are in trouble, unless you can shift the blame to someone else.

Abigail Williams
She did it! He did it! They did it! Everybody but us did it!

Judge Danforth
Ah, now we are getting somewhere.

(Everybody gets hanged, which just goes to show how evil McCarthyism is.)

THE END

Catch-22
By Joseph Heller

Colonel Cathcart
I want a promotion, so I screw over all my men.

Yossarian
I want to get out of here, so I walk around naked and pretend to be sick.

Colonel Cathcart
Fine. Praise us, and we’ll let you go home.

Yossarian
No. I’ll desert instead, because I’ve learned that war is crazy, and it’s bad too, because it makes people do really weird things and die. Also, high ranking military officers are evil incarnate.

Easily Deluded Reader
Look at all the subtext. This must be one of the greatest anti-war pieces of our time.

THE END

Crime and Punishment
By Fyodor Dostoevsky

Raskolnikov
I’m so extraordinary, I can commit crimes. (kills some people)

Sonia
I’m the spiritual side of Raskolnikov.

Porfiry
I’m the intellectual side of Raskolnikov.

Raskolnikov
I have reconciled the two sides of my personality, represented so well by Sonia and Porfiry. (confesses)

THE END

The Great Gatsby
By F. Scott Fitzgerald

Gatsby
Daisy, I made all this money for you, because I love you.

Daisy
I cannot reciprocate, because I represent the American Dream.

Gatsby
Now I must die, because I also represent the American Dream.

(Gatsby DIES.)

Nick
I hate New Yorkers.

THE END

Gulliver’s Travels
By Jonathan Swift

(Gulliver visits some places.)

A Lilliputian
We’re small.

A Brobdingnagian
We’re big.

A Horse
We can talk.

(Gulliver goes home.)

Gulliver
Humanity sucks. I hate people.

THE END

The Jungle
By Upton Sinclair

Bad things happen. Worse things happen. Better things happen. Awful things happen. Jurgis discovers socialism and gets all happy.

THE END

Gravity’s Rainbow
By Thomas Pynchon

Thomas Pynchon
A screaming thing comes across the sky. It’s a V-2 rocket carrying twelve thousand pounds of symbolism, and it’s coming down on your poor, deluded, postmodern head.

THE END

Separated at Birth?

Ok, we continue on with the humor series, now that you know that even with April Fool’s Day over, it’s still ok to laugh.

In fact, as I pointed out in yesterday’s article, humor and laughter is such an important part of life – it will keep you healthy, happy, joyous and fulfilled, and will keep you living a Low Density Lifestyle.

So today, let’s look at various well-known people who obviously were separated at birth from their twin. My hope is that this article, written purely as a public service, will help these twins reunite.

If any of you reading this know how to facilitate these reunions, please feel free to do so.

Lady Gaga and Wilson, the face painted on the volleyball by Tom Hanks, in the film Castaway.

Lady Gaga again, this time her hair, and a croquembouche dessert.

Lindsay Lohan, and Gollum, from Lord of the Rings.

Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, and Alfred E. Neuman of Mad Magazine.

Madonna, and a frog. Please note: in no way do we mean to disparage this frog, or any frog, for that matter.

Mel Gibson, and the Burger King.

Rush Limbaugh, and Balthazar, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Please note: in no way do we mean to disparage obese demons such as Balthazar, or vampire slayers, for that matter.

Singer Bonnie Tyler, of Total Eclipse of the Heart fame, and the Bride of Chucky.

Zac Efron, and a well-groomed dog. Please note: in no way do we mean to disparage dogs that are well-groomed, or like to wear toupees, for that matter.

Ok, got it? If you see any of these twins separately, please notify the proper authorities so they can be reunited.

April Fool’s is Over: Can I Still Laugh?

Ok, so you may have figured it out. The last article, And Now For Some Serious News, was not serious at all. It was a total April Fool’s joke.

And it was also a good way to kick off the new series, on laughter and humor. Because although April Fool’s is over, it’s still ok to laugh.

In fact, if we don’t have a good sense of humor, if we can’t laugh easily, and especially laugh at ourselves, we’re in deep doo-doo.

If you want to live a Low Density Lifestyle, and feel light of body, mind and spirit, then being able to laugh easily is something that will help you get there. That’s why laughter is an essential aspect of living a Low Density Lifestyle.

It’s well known that laughter is good for the health. In one of the most famous and well-documented cases of how laughter can be healing, Norman Cousins, who went on to write about his case in his best-selling book, Anatomy of an Illness, healed from a terminal illness by watching funny movies.

The Greek philosopher Aristotle viewed laughter as “a bodily exercise precious to health.”

Studies have shown that laughter drops the blood pressure and is linked to healthy function of blood vessels. Laughter appears to cause the tissue that forms the inner lining of blood vessels, the endothelium, to dilate or expand in order to increase blood flow.

That makes sense, because when you laugh you can feel your body open up – this is the blood moving through the body and dilating blood vessels.

Other studies have shown that laughter can cause a drop in the blood’s concentration of the stress hormone cortisol. Because chronically elevated cortisol levels have been shown to weaken the immune system, this can help ward off disease.

And other experiments have indicated that laughter increases the activity of immune cells called natural killer cells in the saliva of healthy subjects.

Psychologists and mental health experts have also found that laughter and comedy can be a remedy for stress, depression, or just feeling down.

Laughter can also help with pain. As early as 1928, New York physician James J. Walsh noticed that laughter seemed to dampen pain after surgery. Since then, research has indicated that humor can have painkilling properties. One 1996 study demonstrated that patients who watched funny movies needed less of their mild painkillers after orthopedic surgery than did patients who viewed serious flicks or nothing at all.

In addition to suppressing pain, being funny and cheerful can cultivate friendships. Cheerful people have a lighthearted interaction style that facilitates bonding closely with others and builds social support.

So, over the course of this series, be prepared to laugh! (Even if the jokes aren’t that funny, laugh anyway to humor me.)

And Now For Some Serious News…

There comes a time when we here at Low Density Lifestyle World Central Headquarters feel obligated to take a break from our usual articles and issue reports on all important matters pertaining to us, namely the human race.

Today, April 1, 2010 is one of those days. Today we are going to publish 10 incredible, hard to believe – but amazingly true – stories from around the globe that have occurred over the years.

You’ll hear about flying penguins, whistling carrots, the Big Ben going digital, and other stories that may just rock your world.

Now, some of this news may be shocking and some may be stunning, but we assure you, our crack investigative team has worked hard at uncovering these developments and fact-checked them to no end to make sure they are real.

A Pulitzer Prize is most likely beckoning for what you are about to read, so be ready, and don’t say we didn’t warn you. It may sound strange, it may not sound real, but this is the news, as best we can report it.

So get ready to read 10 of the most incredibly true stories from over the years.

1. Flying Penguins
In 2008, the BBC announced that camera crews filming near the Antarctic for its natural history series Miracles of Evolution had captured footage of Adélie penguins taking to the air. It even offered a video clip of these flying penguins, which became one of the most viewed videos on the internet. Presenter Terry Jones explained that, instead of huddling together to endure the Antarctic winter, these penguins took to the air and flew thousands of miles to the rainforests of South America where they “spend the winter basking in the tropical sun.”

2. Man Flies By Own Lung Power
In April 1934 many American newspapers, including The New York Times, printed a photograph of a man flying through the air by means of a device powered only by the breath from his lungs. Accompanying articles excitedly described this miraculous new invention. The man, identified as German pilot Erich Kocher, blew into a box on his chest. This activated rotors that created a powerful suction effect, lifting him aloft. Skis on his feet served as landing gear, and a tail fin allowed him to steer.

3. Whistling Carrots
In 2002, the British supermarket chain Tesco published an advertisement in The Sun announcing the successful development of a genetically modified ‘whistling carrot.’ The ad explained that the carrots had been specially engineered to grow with tapered airholes in their side. When fully cooked, these airholes caused the vegetable to whistle.

4. Wisconsin State Capitol Collapses
In 1933, the Madison Capital-Times solemnly announced that the Wisconsin state capitol building lay in ruins following a series of mysterious explosions. The explosions were attributed to “large quantities of gas, generated through many weeks of verbose debate in the Senate and Assembly chambers.”

5. Big Ben Goes Digital
In 1980, the BBC reported that Big Ben, in order to keep up with the times, was going to be given a digital readout. The announcement received a huge response from listeners shocked and angered by the proposed change. The BBC Japanese service also announced that the clock hands would be sold to the first four listeners to contact them.

6. Discovery of the Bigon
In 1996, Discover Magazine reported that physicists had discovered a new fundamental particle of matter, dubbed the Bigon. It could only be coaxed into existence for mere millionths of a second, but amazingly, when it did materialize it was the size of a bowling ball. Physicist Albert Manque and his colleagues accidentally found the particle when a computer connected to one of their vacuum-tube experiments exploded. Video analysis of the explosion revealed the Bigon hovering over the computer for a fraction of a second. Manque theorized that the Bigon might be responsible for a host of other unexplained phenomena such as ball lightning, sinking souffles, and spontaneous human combustion.

7. Dutch Elm Disease Infects Redheads
In 1973, BBC Radio broadcast an interview with an elderly academic, Dr. Clothier, who discoursed on the government’s efforts to stop the spread of Dutch Elm Disease. Dr. Clothier described some startling discoveries that had been made about the tree disease. For instance, he referred to the research of Dr. Emily Lang of the London School of Pathological and Environmental Medicine. Dr. Lang had apparently found that exposure to Dutch Elm Disease immunized people to the common cold. Unfortunately, there was a side effect. Exposure to the disease also caused red hair to turn yellow and eventually fall out. This was attributed to a similarity between the blood count of redheads and the soil conditions in which affected trees grew. Therefore, redheads were advised to stay away from forests for the foreseeable future.

8. Dogs to be painted white
In 1965, Politiken, a Copenhagen newspaper, reported that the Danish parliament had passed a new law requiring all dogs to be painted white. The purpose of this, it explained, was to increase road safety by allowing dogs to be seen more easily at night.

9. Guinness Mean Time
In 1998, Guinness issued a press release announcing that it had reached an agreement with the Old Royal Observatory in Greenwich, England to be the official beer sponsor of the Observatory’s millennium celebration. According to this agreement, Greenwich Mean Time would be renamed Guinness Mean Time until the end of 1999. In addition, where the Observatory traditionally counted seconds in “pips,” it would now count them in “pint drips.”

10. Tasmanian Mock Walrus
In 1984, the Orlando Sentinel featured a story about a creature known as the Tasmanian Mock Walrus (or TMW for short) that many people in Florida were supposedly adopting as a pet. The creature was said to be four inches long, resembled a walrus, purred like a cat, and had the temperament of a hamster. What made it such an ideal pet was that it never had to be bathed, it used a litter box, and it ate cockroaches. In fact, a single TMW could entirely rid a house of its cockroach problem. Reportedly, some TMWs had been smuggled in from Tasmania, and there were efforts being made to breed them, but the local pest-control industry was pressuring the government not to allow them into the country, fearing they would put cockroach exterminators out of business.

And that’s all 10 stories. Amazing, eh?

The last thing I’d like to say, for all of us here at Low Density Lifestyle World Central Headquarters, is Happy April Fool’s Day!

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